


the three stages of summer '59

by Anonymous



Series: the three stages of my summer '59 [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, i think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:02:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28594425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Relationships: Anderperry - Relationship, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: the three stages of my summer '59 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099544
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7
Collections: Anonymous Fics





	1. Chapter 1

“Papa is dead.” She said releasing that one day she’d have to clean out his study room and she did. She entered her father’s study room and the first thing she saw was a locked box with a key on top of it as if her father had known that he’d die all along and that she’d one day enter the very room she’d been forbidden to enter growing up. She tried to hold back her tears as she looked around the room for the remainders of what her father used to be. The photographs, his awards and his books on display. God how she missed him. She walked towards the box and opened it, inside was just letters. She picked them up and in total there were three of them. She didn’t know what the letters meant so she began reading it by the order of how they were stalked. The first one read, 

Date: 14th December 2020

Dear Ez,

I assume that once you've started reading this, I would’ve already been pronounced dead. Tell me, how exactly did I die? Actually no, don’t. I don’t think I could imagine it. You know Ez, I’ve written these same three letters over and over again ever since summer ‘59. Those days, I’d always told you about while you were growing up. I’d always twisted the story for you every single time you asked about it, made it into a fairy tale that I wanted to tell the world about. It wasn’t a girl actually. It was a boy. Oh Ezra, I really can’t wait to tell you all about him. You’ve always asked me about him—or her actually— and I think it’s finally time to tell you who he was and what he truly was for me, my three stages of summer in Costa Brava, Spain back in ‘59. 

Every time I thought of the both of us I couldn't help but smile. Two American boys, in the same place spending summer vacation together, it does feel infinite. The first stage of my Summer ‘59. We met probably two or three days after my family and I had arrived in Barcelona. A day after arriving of course, we set off to go to Costa Brava. Our family had living relatives in Costa Brava at that time and while we were in the U.S, our relatives took care of our family home. There I would be spending 3 weeks, with him of course. 

I’d gone out by myself, leaving the rest of my family behind to go to the beach and just watch the waves. It was there when I met a skinny white boy. He was making a sandcastle and I had accidentally kicked it; unbeknown to me that the maker of that sandcastle was still present and didn’t want their masterpiece to be destroyed. 

“¿Qué mierda haces?” he shouted at me. 

I spoke enough Spanish that I could talk to the locals, and I understood what he’d meant and I was so scared of him. The translation “what the hell are you doing?” kept repeating in my mind and due to it I wasn’t able to speak. Instead I ran for my life. I was so stupid that I ran towards him and not away from him. He caught me and asked me to give him and answer. 

“English?” I replied back to him.

He instantly realised that I was an English speaker. “OK, answer me then, what the hell were you doing?” 

I honestly didn’t know how to even answer him. I wasn’t ready to admit that I wanted to be a jerk and destroy children’s sandcastles because I loved being an asshole to them? 

“I don’t know” I remember replying to him. I think it was then that I’d realised the type of person I was, a shy yet mean boy, I think. This was the highlight of my first week in Costa Brava and I think the only memory that still stands strong, the only memory where I could remember everything, where I could still feel the hotness of that summer day and where I first met the person who would be my first and greatest love. 

Perhaps those 3 weeks with him made all of these memories of mine feel euphoric because it never did lead to anything. It was simply a summer love I had in my youth yet I regard it with so much love. I really did love him you know. And I think I still do, ignoring the fact that I might not be and only be in love with our memories and not him as a person. But I think about him from time to time, trying not to forget my memories with him. I’m growing old, and I’m simply only seventy-two years old now. I know you may think that this letter is a bit selfish. I mean how could a father share the very memories that caused his child’s parents’ marriage apart. I don’t know. Maybe I was and still am a selfish father, especially since at this right moment while writing this letter, I could not at all think of Margaret, your mother, and her feelings.

Coming back to my story, we’d exchange names later after I had explained myself to him. I couldn’t lie back then and you know I still can’t at this time. His name was Neil Perry, from New York City. He told me that he didn’t have any siblings and at that time, he and his family were also in Costa Brava for a summer vacation. We spent a lot of time chatting away until the sunset. We watched it together and I still remember being so amazed at how beautiful it was. I remember looking at him while smiling and thought he was the most beautiful person at that time. I even mumbled “you look beautiful” but he didn’t hear me, or at least I thought at that time. The next few days, we had started spending time together, even both our families combined. It was really fun but time with him went by so fast. Most of the time we spoke in English but around our parents we spoke in Spanish, quite foolish as they were more fluent in Spanish than we ever were. Just thinking about this now, I don’t know where my brother was in all of this. Jeff suddenly feels non-existent in my life. It's almost crazy. Though you know I never did like him. You’ve never met him have you? I hope you’ll never ever have the chance to. 

I believe I forgot to mention that we also had sleepovers, yes those were quite fun. He lived with his relatives. Every time I was over, his cousin, Inez, would always try to get closer to me. I always tried to back off since I wasn’t interested in her and I couldn’t figure out why. Silly young me. Back home, the boys at my school would always tell me about the times they had spent with a girl and I was finally experiencing it. But I couldn’t feel anything towards Inez. My heart sank the moment she told me she liked me, two hours after Neil and I had our first kiss. I knew I didn’t like her but I told her I’d liked her too. Even now, sixty-one years later, I still don’t understand why I had told her such a lie but it was that lie that I had an excuse to spend more time with him. I know it doesn’t make sense but I had an excuse to tell my parents about my so-called girlfriend at that time. They were happy for me, “he’d finally come out of his shell,” they’d tell each other assuring that I would be fine having one and that it would be good for me. 

I know how short this was but it was simply an introduction and a way for you to know the most important people in my life now. This is the first and the two other letters behind this one will be the rest. 

I wish I were around to see your reaction to this letter but I knew in my heart, deep down that I wouldn’t be able to stand the pain of your rejection, if you ever would of course reject me. I was not the normal person I had claimed to be. I was in fact a Queer man and I really still am although it was already too late when I realised that; you were already born and I just knew I had to stay with my marriage with Margaret. I didn’t want you to grow up fatherless, I wanted you to have someone you could rely on, have a shoulder to cry on when things were bad but this never really did happen. I couldn’t live with your mother and you knew that, you knew. So I really am sorry for all the pain I had caused you and your mother for not knowing who I was. Every day, I wish I were not one, so that I could have loved your mother more and been there for you while you were growing up. I hated having to have you go to Vermont from Illinois every summer, you always looked tired but I didn’t want to stop spending time with you. 

I’m sorry for all of my selfishness and I love you with all of my heart.

With Love,

Your Papa


	2. Chapter 2

I start to whimper. Reading the next two letters feels impossible and yet my curiosity takes over me; the desire to know the father I once hated growing up is now suddenly in front of me in the form of letters. He is neither asking for forgiveness and acceptance, he merely wants to tell a story that I would hopefully understand even so I don’t believe I will ever be able to do either or both of those things I know he isn’t asking for. 

I sit down on my father’s chair, I close my eyes for a small moment. I then proceed to read the second letter.

Date: 20th December 2020

Dear Ez,

How are you feeling? I’m sure it must’ve been hard to read all of that. I hope that you didn’t despise me as much as I thought you would. Please, I hope that you will continue to read this and the next following letter. Take a break if you need to. I love you dear.

Now continuing where I last left off. Remember when I told you about that time when Neil and I were watching the sunset together and I mumbled to him that he looked beautiful well we watched another sunset together five days after we first met and it was then when he told me that he had heard me say those words towards him, though he didn’t know how to react to it and just ignored me. I looked at him with so much confusion, how could a person be confused about that? I asked myself and later then asked him the same thing. He had ignored me. Completely ignored me and to this day I still can’t figure out why. Perhaps I’m as oblivious as a person could get. 

After watching the sunset, we took off to go back to our homes, he wanted to drop me off for some reason and on our journey our arms kept grazing each other. I stopped walking and looked at him and he did the same. His gaze felt so full of love to me, and moments later, his lips were on mine, touching. My mind went completely blank, “come with me to my house, let’s have a sleepover” he told me. He guided me to his house while I was still in shock. I couldn’t find the words to reply anything back to him. We kissed and now his hand was touching mine, leading me to his family’s house. Throughout the whole trip I felt speechless therefore uttered no words.

“Mum, Todd and I will be having a sleepover okay? Could you call his parents?” he told his mother. He sat me down on his bed and he grabbed me a T-shirt and shorts I could change for the sleepover and handed it over to me. “Todd, are you okay?” he asked me, “you’ve not said a word since you know…”

“Yeah, I think I am,” I said, stuttering on my words, “just a bit speechless.” I looked around his room and it was neat compared to other teenage boys’ bedrooms, even if this weren’t his proper one. “What will we do today?” I asked him.

“I hadn’t thought about that to be honest,” he paused, looking at the full moon, “I just wanted to spend more time with you I guess.” He smiled at me and said, “come, let’s have dinner first then we can start talking.” 

Down stairs, we found the table already set and Neil’s cousin, Inez already sitting down, waiting for everyone, “finally you both are here” she shouted at the both of us and smiled afterwards, mostly at me. We all sat down, Neil sat beside me, and I think that was the most nervous I’ve ever felt in my entire life. He’d ask me to pass him the salad and our fingers would touch each other for a second and every time my heart would jump. He’d kick my foot and when I looked towards him, he’d smile and whisper to me, “I like you.” It was a rather nice dinner except for the fact that I was sitting in front of Inez the entire time and every time I’d look up I would see her smiling at me, hinting to me that she likes me in some way. 

The dinner ended quickly and everyone was full. Inez and I cleaned up and washed the dishes together. As I was scrubbing the plates she pulled the end of my T-shirt slightly and confessed, “Todd I like you.” I stopped cleaning the plates, again I felt speechless. Twice in one night now. Both cousins confessed to me, it was what you’d call Hell for me. I turned around and saw her red face, a ‘tomato’ I thought to myself. I know, it was mean but she really did look like a tomato and it was adorable in its own way. “I like you too Inez.” I lied. I don’t know why I did and after telling Inez that, at the edge of my view I saw the second saddest face Neil had ever shown me. He left the kitchen and I couldn’t chase after him so I turned around and continued washing. Inez hugged me from behind as I cleaned and kissed my nape. 

I entered Neil’s room and saw him already lying in bed. “Neil,” I whispered as I approached him, joining him, “hey, talk to me.” He wouldn’t turn even after I had shaken his shoulder. I left him alone for a brief moment and he finally turned around. 

“So you like Inez?” he said. 

“No,” I paused and thought about all that I did, “of course not. I don’t know why I’d said that.”

“Me neither,” he replied. He looked at me with so much disbelief and I think he didn’t know what to do with the mistake I’d made. “It doesn’t matter now. At least we have a reason to hang out together even more now.” He added. 

At that time it made sense, it was a reason after all and I knew that Inez didn’t like me as much anyway, so we continued this lie. I liked Inez back, but in reality I liked Neil. Somehow he always knew that, even though I never actually expressed it to him. He never wanted to hear it from me otherwise he would’ve asked me to say it, or at least given me hints to; but to him my actions were enough and it meant something to him. When I’d go to his house every morning to have breakfast with them, though I’d sit next to Inez, we’d communicate by kicking each other's legs and laughed when it happened. Everyone always looked so confused as to why. Inez wanted to spend more time with me but I didn’t. I’d always run away from her and I know how horrible I was but I just didn’t want to. Thinking about it now, I was a jerk. I’ve always been one. I think that at some point she figured everything out because at this one breakfast I had with their family, Inez made me sit beside Neil instead, as if she were trying to test her theory. Later that night she came up to me, “Todd we should break up,” she advised. 

“I think so too.” I replied back to her and we hugged each other tightly as if to remind ourselves that us being together was real even if how I felt towards her was not. I told Neil about it and he became the happiest person that night, though Inez was nowhere to be seen. I’d thought of looking for her but I didn’t in the end. 

3 weeks had already gone by. I’d already spent so much time with Neil. My summer vacation at Costa Brava was all about Neil and my parents weren’t mad at me. They’d always favoured me less anyway and there were times when they’d forgotten I had even existed. In that one dinner where I chose to spend it with them, there was no plate for me. ‘Mother, Father, and Richard’ I counted in my head, ‘and me? Where am i’ I wondered. After I’d realised that I’d been completely forgotten, I stormed out of the house and headed straight to the beach. I listened closely to the waves and looked at the clear night sky. I could count how many stars there were because the beach wasn’t completely dark but the sky was nevertheless pretty anyway. I’d spent that night alone, just thinking and thinking, mostly about Neil. 

On our last day, I had to spend it with my family. Mother had told me that she’d always wanted us to have a picnic and spend the day there at the Gulf of Roses; another Spanish bay. It was not fun at all and I hated being there, Richard was once again the star of everything and he would always keep on going about his achievements and what he planned to do in the future. When we got home, I ran to Neil’s place and asked him to hang out with me for one last time. We hung out outside of his house, laying ourselves down on the lawn. “Neil,” I paused and looked at him, our hands on top of one another, “what do you plan to be in the future?” 

“Future?” he laughed, “I hadn’t thought about it a lot. My Dad wants me to be a Doctor. I guess I should be one, no?”

“No Neil. Just think about it for a bit.” I replied, “don’t you have something you thought was the best thing you’ve ever done?”

“Hmm,” he gave himself some time to think, “I liked acting. Back in Kindergarten my school had this small play and I was playing the major role. I liked it a lot.” 

“Then you sh-”

“I want to do acting,” he shouted, “yes, that’s it. I want to become an actor. The best actor. The actor you’d always see on the screen.” 

I looked at him and smiled. ‘Thank God he’d found himself something he finally liked’ I thought to myself. Even at the age of 17, I knew what I wanted; I’d always wanted to be a writer so to me this was no challenge at all. I loved words and they gave me so much comfort while growing up.

For the rest of the evening, we held each other so lovingly, I’d lie on his lap and he’d play with my hair. “I’ll miss you Neil,” I’d tell him over and over again while trying to stop myself from tearing up. 

“I know, I know my dear Todd. And I will too,” he assured me. 

I got up from my position and cupped his soft cheeks with both of my hands, “Neil promise me we’ll meet again.”

“I promise.”

We’d exchanged contact information and said our last goodbyes. I kissed him before leaving his house and held him for as long as I could. “I like you so much,” I told him, making sure those words were the only ones he’d last hear from me ever again for that night.

So that was the story of my entire summer in Spain. I count this as the second stage as, this wasn’t the last time we’d seen each other; but that is for my next letter. I think the next one will be the hardest for me to write and I don’t know when I’ll ever write it. It was always the thing that kept me awake at night and because I never knew how to write it. So if you ever see the next one, please read it.

Thank you for reading this letter Ez. I’m sure it must’ve been hard but I hope you know me a little bit better now. I hope I was able to give you a little peace in your mind. I miss you Ezra.

With Love,

Your Papa


End file.
